Cleansing
by jm1681
Summary: In his bunk aboard The Sea Horse, Guts dreams of a night from many years ago. Guts/Casca. Please Review.


_Hello again Besrerk Archive :)_

_So, it's been a while since I wrote anything, but I've been going through a bad patch lately :( Just thinking about Berserk these days makes me very sad, and after a conversation with a good friend (No, a **great** friend ^_^), I finally found some inspiration to write something._

_About an hour's worth of research, writing, and proofreading. It's nothing special, just a little pick me up ;) I sincerely apologize if I've apocalyptically failed here :( It's been a VERY long time since I've been through the series, so the characters are NOT fresh in my head. Normally, I would simply NOT write in an instance like this, but like I said, this is just a bad time for me; I needed to do something or I was going to go into a seriously dark depression :(_

_I hope you enjoy it, and I still don't own Berserk._

* * *

_What you desire, may not be what the girl desires…_

Those few and simple words kept Guts awake every night since he had first heard them. Even after hearing them and understanding their full meaning, every step of his journey, every breath of it was for her; to bring _her_ back. He had nearly lost himself once, and that was too many times. He'd never forgive himself, and he knew that when and if she woke up, she might never forgive him either. But he didn't care. He might be able to accept it if she at least said it. Then, he supposed, they'd likely bicker as they always had, but before long, they'd be back in each other's arms, where they belonged.

At least that was what he hoped.

As he lay in his bunk within The Sea Horse's damaged, but unyielding hull, his eye was coming back into focus, albeit slowly. The glow of the swaying lantern above him still cloaked in a haze, though bits of its physical structure were becoming clearer. As he so often had these nights, Guts quietly continued to hope that in the coming days, his vision would be nearly normal again. His battle with The Sea God had taken a terrible toll on his body; he felt this even more than he could have known it. But, that morning, for all the pain he endured, the pain of not seeing her face when she wandered into his room was far worse.

Perhaps she hadn't seen the narrow opening he peaked through. His body was certainly still enough to keep most of her deep-seeded fears at bay. If he'd had any strength, she might have caught the slightest hint of a smile on his chapped lips. He knew she was slowly getting closer. That the walls she kept between them were beginning to shrink, and though he knew this, he'd never push. Never say a word, or make a sound. She was curious, but skittish, and should she sense even the most minimal trace of danger, she would vanish like a candle robbed of air. So, even though he couldn't see her, he endured. Laying there in complete silence and stillness, watching as discreetly as he could, hoping, that she might come to him of her own accord; wishful thinking.

Now though, it was night. He knew it was fruitless, but he had to at least attempt to get some sleep.

"Farnese?" he weakly croaked through his dry lips.

Seconds passed, when finally, he heard the sound of footsteps. _That's two sets of feet,_ he thought. The door to his bunk creaked open, and he could just make out the shape of her blonde hair.

"Are you alright, Guts?"

As his lips opened to answer, he froze; his vision was indeed getting better. There she was again, following Farnese into his room with no hesitation or invitation, curious as always. Her face was no longer just a blur colors or shapes, but a pair of eyes, a nose, and bright lips, all as he remembered them. Of course, her hair was still quite long. He couldn't say he disliked her hair at this length, though he wished that some day, if she ever did find her way back to this world, that she'd be exactly as she was then, short hair and all.

"Guts?"

He blinked, startled back to reality. "Sorry." He looked up to the swaying lantern and asked, "Can you put that out?"

She didn't wait to be asked a second time, though she did ask a question as she set about to extinguish the flame, "Are you going to sleep?"

Once again, he found her. Looking around his room, occasionally looking at him, then quickly turning away. It wasn't much, but he'd take it. He turned to peer out the window, not offering either of them his eyes as he replied, "I'm gonna try."

Farnese smiled, "If you need anything, we should all be up a while longer."

"Thanks," he replied, still staring out the window.

Her grin slowly disappeared, and she headed back to the door. Her ward followed soon enough, excusing herself without a second thought, though Farnese stopped. She watched as Casca headed down the hall, then looked back in on Guts. It wasn't her business, but for a moment, she couldn't help herself, "Guts?"

"Yeah?"

No, it really wasn't her business at all. "Never mind." She pulled the door to its hinge and called, "Good night."

The door closed a moment later and he was alone again. Three years he spent alone, tearing as many apostles apart as he could. For the most part, he took great satisfaction in those bouts of carnage. However, when he came across the more bizarre of his enemies, creatures bearing all manner of limbs and appendages, tentacles and the like, that was when he bore his fangs in the greatest of grins. Every time such a beast took form before him, he was back in that hellish abyss. Watching her, helplessly ensnared in the grips of a monster that was no different, and every time, he wore its blood like war paint, carrying on his massacre until there was nothing identifiable left.

Just the thought of wearing their warm blood on this cold night brought a slight smile to his lips, and somehow, that thought comforted him away.

* * *

Guts awoke all at once, startled to consciousness. His breath was ragged and raw, and his heart slammed against his ribcage. He was back in that cave from so long ago. He didn't know how many days it had been since…

"Casca!" he called in panic.

He needed her. Needed to see her, needed to make sure she was okay. He needed to find her so badly; the pain in his freshly severed limb was merely an itch. He pushed himself up, stepped from the makeshift bed, and ran. He didn't know where to and didn't care. He followed the sound of water as it crashed on itself, finally coming to a cavern. Water pooled at its base, pouring in from the heavy rain above, and within the falls, Casca stood.

His eye widened as he watched her. Her saturated white garments revealed her dark skin, and for a moment, he averted his gaze completely. He wasn't ready to see her like that after what had happened. But, when he chanced to look again, the sight was a beautiful one. The rain washed over her, and though he knew it to be a lie, it visibly cleansed her. Though it had brought a calm about him, he couldn't wait and knew that he shouldn't wait; he needed to make sure she was all right. He ran to her, and at the sound of his feet tearing through the shallow pool, Casca turned to him, eyes wide in fear.

She quickly turned away from him.

Then.

Casca spoke.

"Don't look at me!"

He stepped closer, reaching out with his good hand. His fingertips barely grazed her shoulder as he spoke, "Casca-"

"Don't touch me!" she barked as she twisted away from him. "I'm… I'm disgusting…" she immediately lost herself. Cries exploded from her lips, and tears rained from her eyes. He wanted to believe, that to some small degree, he understood what she had suffered. But, he knew that just wasn't the case. Donovan was nothing and no one. Hardly even a fellow mercenary under Gambino's band. Griffith on the other hand, Guts knew very well what Griffith was to Casca, and no matter how he tried to pretend that he could relate to what she was going through, he didn't have the vaguest of clues.

He didn't have anything to offer, and did all he could think to. He took another step and carefully wrapped his right arm and what remained of his left arm around her. He pulled her close, her saturated back pressed softly against his chest as she wracked with sobs.

"How?" she cracked. "How could he? After everything we'd been through, after we risked our lives to get him back?"

He ran his hand through her short wet hair. "Because of me," he said.

"What?" she croaked.

"He made his choice, because of me; it's my fault."

"How is it your fault?" she asked, turning to face him. Years ago, she wouldn't have seen it any other way. Now though, the thoughts would never add up.

"I ruined his dream. I-"

She didn't hesitate, her hand whipped across his face faster than he ever could have seen coming. "How could you be so stupid!" she shouted. "Griffith chose his own path! You had _nothing_ to do with it! None of us did! Not you, not me, not Judeau or Pippin; none of us! None of the Hawks _ever_ mattered! All we were to him was food! How _dare_ you blame yourself!"

With that, her tears slowed, and her face slowly descended to his chest. Again he held her close, only now, she was staring at what was left of his arm. Her eyes welled once more as she spoke, "You fool. Always bleeding for me." Her fingers only skimmed the bandage.

* * *

And just like that, Guts was awake once again. His own fingers touching the very same spot the Casca of his dreams had. He looked out the window to find the moon far lower in the sky. He had actually gotten a decent amount of sleep, and in a strange way, he got that sleep because of her. That's when he heard something new.

"Aaauuuu…"

It wasn't much more than a coo, but when he turned to find the source of it, his eye widened, just as it had in his dream. Casca laid on the floor of his bunk, wearing her robe as usual, her long hair splayed out all around her on the floor. She was sound asleep, and every now and again a stray utterance came from her lips. Sadly, nothing intelligible, but random noise was better than complete silence he supposed.

His door opened slightly, and Farnese peaked her head in. She instantly made eye contact with him. "I'm sorry," she said. "I couldn't figure out what she wanted after we left your room earlier, and she finally dragged me here." She turned and looked to Casca's still form. "She laid down, closed her eyes, and before I knew it, she was asleep." She turned back to Guts, "I didn't think it would be any harm to leave her here for the night, since she was the one to bring herself here. I hope you don't mind."

Guts smiled the warmest, richest smile he had in months. He looked down to Casca's slumbering form and replied, "Good night, Farnese. Thank you."

* * *

_And that's that ;)_

_Do I feel better after writing it? A little. I just need Casca back so very badly, and that one scene of her in the waterfall always makes me smile. I figured I'd run it through a little differently in Guts' dream, and just hearing her voice in that moment did bring a smile to my face ;)_

_Anyway, enough of my sad, sad life XD Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the ficlet ;)_  
-jm


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